Really?
Its another day.
I labor daily, so what makes this any different to me?
It doesn’t.
I am sure there is some significance out there somewhere but do I feel the motivation to find it? Nope.
Instead I sit at my job, doing what I do. Whee…
Looking around I see less than 1/2 staffing. 1/2 staffing for a majority of my floor and yet I’ll be here the whole day. Already people are vying for when they can leave. Seriously people, you’ve got a job. Be thankful. If you want to stay home so fucking badly quit. Then you can stay home all day every day.
<Sigh>
Maybe I’ll write more later if I am so inspired.
From Laurell K. Hamilton’s – “A Stroke of Midnight”
Sometimes you just need to be touched. Sometimes you see such hurt; such loneliness in another one’s eyes that you must do something, anything to chase that look away. Sometimes sex isn’t even about sex among us. Sometimes it is just the last resort for making someone smile.
Im sure I got part of that wrong but the basics is there. I so love that statement.
Tuesday.
Just another day in a line of seven, yet for some reason this one seems different.
Actually had a nice lunch with a friend, although I dont think either of us enjoyed the food completely.
Out of sheer boredom have decided to try Match.com, figured I dont do the bars anymore somethings got to change.
Im on Bear411, Bearciti, Bearwww, Bearforest and none of them really have found me much other than the few dear friends I have.
I want more, and more does not come without risk. So here’s to hoping its worth it.
Well here it is another year has come and gone, and I’ve managed to age once again.
BLEH
37…
12 years past gay death in the community… LOL
I bark about getting older quite a bit but in all honesty it doesn’t really make that much of a difference to me anymore.
I find it rather interesting though listening to those around me in their early 20′s bitch about being so old. All I can do anymore is chuckle to myself, shake my head, and keep the comments to a minimum.
20′s never bothered me. 30 didnt bother me. 31 bothered me, mainly cause that back then was the cut off. All the magazines and surveys where 15 -17, 18-20, 21-25, 26-30, and 31 and up. Its the and up thats annoying.
So I guess I add another year to my and up status. Wheee…
Anyone wanna come blow out my candle?
Funny…
- You fight to keep that smile on your face cause its whats expected.
- You fight to keep your tone light and up cause anything less is bitchy.
- You fight to keep your appearance positive for anything less just wont do.
And yet after all that you still find that deep inside something feels like its missing.
I know what I’m missing. Im lonely. Yeah I said it. I can admit it. Im man enough to say it.
I miss cuddling, snuggling, and lying in bed without a fucking care in the world. For that short time its like we are above every other petty instance in life and I can just breath in the scent of you. I can for once be a bit weak and allow myself to be held. I can allow myself to be cuddled. I can allow myself to drift off feeling secure in your arms once again, knowing its only the briefest of moments but for those moments your mine and I don’t have to worry about anything for now.
<Sigh>
Those moments are always too brief. Always too short, and often almost always too much in my own mind than anything else.
Yes Im a big guy, yes Im a protector, and cross me and fag or not I’ll kick your ass, but that doesnt mean I always want to be that.
Dammit is it so wrong to just want a little affection?
Really…What is the deal with Mondays?
Nothing works, ever notice that?
<Sigh> Some people around here are in for so much hell when my mood elevators wear off, lol <Karen Walker you are my hero>
A long time ago I learned that many times a dream can be a coping mechanism to help you deal with loss and other things in your life that may not be the most pleasant.
It was quite often I’d see my Grandmother in my dreams who has been gone for many years and I’ve always taken it as her way of remind me she’s still here. Sometimes I’d see my Dad, and rarely my grandpa.
Last night was a different story, and hence the reason I’m putting it down as a memory.
I’d like to think I only dream of those I love, and those that for one reason or another Im just not mentally ready to let go of. Since I do not see my father often in my dreams its always a pleasant change to have him there and last night was no exception. I miss my Dad. There was a bit of a change though in this dream that kinda irks me. It was like going to one of my Dad’s families parties. There was my Dad, his father, his brother, and a few others that I dont recognize.
Let me start by saying there is no love lost between my Dads father and I, and funny enough in the dream he was still as cold and stiff as I remember him. Maybe its my own dislike and maybe I’m wrong but I. especially after Dad died, remember very little of affection from this man.
As usual my uncle looked but didn’t speak.
What happened next though was a bit odd, I was told we needed to talk and we had to walk away from the party. I remember walking with Dad up some hill but I do not remember if his father was with us.
We end up at another party this time mostly with young adults and such and thats where I ran into a friend. Some one I know who’s been struggling a lot lately and not having the best go of things. Sadly our conversation was a bit short lived as he moved on to do other things, but I find it odd that he was there to begin with.
<Shrug>
Maybe Im missing some guy social interaction, maybe im just lonely. I guess time will tell.
Was good to see my Dad though.

